Reflections From The Wreckage

In the early days after losing Jacob time seemed to have come to a complete halt. Yet time kept moving and the world kept spinning. How can that be? How can the world continue on when one of your favorite people is no longer apart of it? How can I move on without a part of my heart? I really don’t know the answer to those questions. Grieving is not a one size fits all kind of process. Although it is a process there is no graduating from side to the next, in the end the steps repeat themselves. For a guy though grieving is to be done quickly, quietly and privately. Don’t show emotion, Don’t let it affect your relationships or your work. Be there for your wife and kids bottle up and suppress what you are feeling.

The most common questions I received in the early days following Jake’s passing were ‘’How’s your wife doing? When are you going back to work?’’ Followed by statements like ‘’Unfortunately you still have to keep going. You have a wife and kids who need you. Bills don’t stop, things still have to get done. That’s the shitty part about being a man, you cant stay stuck you have to find something to hold onto and keep going.’’ All these are true statements for most. However I am convinced having experienced it myself losing a child does not fit into these molds and stereotypes of what grief is supposed to look like. There is no timetable, There is no moving on but simply learning how to survive day in and day out whatever environment you find yourself in. I learned early on that I was the one who had to tend to my heart, grief, pain, emotions etc. There was no welcoming party, no support group, no friends waiting in the aftermath. Those things are more often reserved for mothers.

There just aren’t a lot of resources out there for men where they can find honest accounts of what or how this is supposed to look. After all there is no one size fits all approach. We are expected to puff our chest out and push through it. You wont find that here. There is a stigma that needs to be addressed and annihilated. Guys, it’s ok to not be okay. It’s okay to need help, it’s okay to cry, to hurt, to feel deeply. This is a safe space for your heart. This is a safe space to empty your bag that you’ve been carrying alone for far too long. Specifically in my case losing Jacob brought me to my knees. I have seen more grown men completely unravel in the last 7 months than I have in my entire existence on this plant hearing Jake’s story. There just aren’t enough words in the English vocabulary to accurately describe what that looks like day in and day out.

I am not and will not hide anymore what this looks like for a guy. There is far too much at stake and not enough time. If you find yourself in the same shoes my heart is broken for you and breaking with you. You are not alone though. This blog is also for the guys and women alike who struggle with that space between your ears. The war that you tell no one about and the scars that are left behind by some of the most bloody violent battles you have ever been apart of. Scars that are not visible to the human eye and that remain hidden. We’re going to dive into those as well. Last but not least this blog is an outlet for anyone who needs to get something off their chest. This is the beginning, I hope this resonates with you in some for or another. Thanks for being a part of the journey, remember It’s Ok to not be Okay.

-Ryan