Reflections From The Wreckage

My relationship with God has always been a rocky one. If I were to use an analogy to describe it I would say its been like a roller coaster. There has been some high points and some very low points. If I am honest with myself and with you I would say that I became a christian out of fear. Fear of not wanting to die in my sins and end up in hell when I leave this earth. Coming to Jesus out of fear of punishment never leads to a sustainting and frutiful relationship. You always feel like youre one wrong move away from him hitting you over the head and tossing you aside. Im not perfect, I have never claimed to have all the answers. I have failed more times than I can count at being an exemplary christian. There’s a quote that comes to mind that says ”You may be the only bible someone ever reads.” I have never been a good example of a reason why someone should come to Christ. Yet the one who made the stars calls and knows me by name. I dont understand why when I have given him a million reasons to turn and walk away.

Especially now in the current place that I find myself. Physcially I feel like I am sick constantly and my strength feels nonexistent. Emotionally I feel like I am one step away from having a complete breakdown. Psychologically I have never been in a darker place than right now. I am having a difficult time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. As one bereaved parent spoke earlier today ”I feel like I am living to die.” I decided after Jakes death that I wouldnt run from God. I wouldnt throw up the middle finger, say I’m done and walk away. I thought that would be the easy thing to do. Most days it seems like the right approach. Most people probably would understand if I had that mentality. Yet I cant seem to make myself go to that place. It is both a strange relief and infuriating at the same time. I dont blame God for the cancer, our world being flipped upside down or Jakes world being flipped. I dont blame God for Jake dying.

This side of God that I see now is one that I never thought in a million years I would see. I never thought I would see God stand by while cancer entered my sons brain and body. I never thought I would see God stand by when Jake lost the ability to walk a little over a month into his battle. I never thought I would see God stand by when extreme and excessive amounts of pain circulated from jakes feet to his head. I never thought I was a healing evangelist but I believed in the power of prayer. I believed that when I laid my hands on the different areas Jake had pain in that God would answer those prayers. He didnt. There were times thoughout this nightmare that I thought God was getting involved. After radiation there were no signs or evidence of disease. There was nothing there anywhere in his body. I thought for sure God has heard our cries and our prayers, Jake is going to get better. 6 weeks later The cancer had come back and spread to different areas of his body. A few days later we were told Jake was terminal and there was nothing they could do.

I thought this was it, his answer was no. ”No I will not heal him on this side.” A few weeks after being at home Jake got really sick. On the verge of or at the very doorstep of death itself. We thought God had come down to take him then. Jake made a miraculous recovery and something significant had happened in his body. I was in disbelief and could not make myself believe something like this could have happened. Over the next couple weeks my faith began to grow. I began to believe that God still was in the business of miracles. I started to believe a miracle was taking place right before my eyes. Anyone that saw or was around jake for those few weeks would have had the same impression. He was in little to no pain most days it seemed nonexistent. There were times I thought ”Why are we still giving him these medications? Is he even sick anymore? Is the cancer still there or has it regressed?” The day we were leaving for the lake which would ultimately end up being Jacobs last trip there. That morning I had this strange almost overwhelming feeling come over my body.

I thought and strongly believed I was supposed to go pray for Jacob again. I was going to physically lay my hands on different parts of his body. I was going to curse this cancer and see a miracle take place that morning. I walked in jacobs room after getting him up and dressed. I helped him into his chair and asked him if I could pray for him. ”Sure” jake said in his voice that is impossible to sound out on here. I placed my hands on his legs and commanded them to function again. I touched his belly where there had been so much pain. Pain that was so extravagant he would scream for 30-45 minutes at a time while we watched helplessly. All we could do was give him morphine and try to comfort him. I commanded this pain to leave and never return. I placed my hands on his back and his head cursing this disease from hell and commanding it to retreat in Jesus name. All of this was is in Jesus name. I even had faith that not only would he stand up from his wheel chair and run around the house. I also had faith that when I laid my hands on his head. His beautiful bald head that once held the most beautful blonde hair I would see hair grow back. Again I commanded his hair to grow back in Jesus name I said. To which Jake replied like only he could and would, ”AND IT DID. IT DID GROW BACK. SEE? SEE THE LITTLE FUZZ AROUND MY EARS.”

He was so proud of the little hair that had grown back around his head. He would tell everyone about it that would listen. I laughed a little and smiled when he said this but it was a mask. I couldnt let him see the pain, heartache, disappointment and utter disblief. I spent the whole rest of the morning and much of the day inside my own head as I usually am. I was visually upset because I hide nothing on my face as much as I might try or think I do. Why would you let me do that? Why would you give me the sudden injection of faith to pray for him like that? I feel even more worthless and lost now than I ever have. I feel embarrassed in front of my dying son nonetheless that I prayed to you openly and out loud with no tangible results. Praying outloud and openly is not something I normally do. I went way out of my comfort zone that morning. I dont understand you, I dont understand why you would allow me to do that, I dont understand what you are doing here. Are you doing anything? Where are you in this?

I am still asking those questions even now as we begin the new year. The questions seem to keep rolling and getting louder I might add. They are often followed by a flood of tears and so much anger. I believe that you are God and you can do anything you want to. Never have I questioned the wisdom of your plan more than I am now. I cant see you in this and I am having trouble reminding myself along with everyone else who you are. People often say in the wake of tragedy that only God can bring beauty out of ashes. I dont see the beauty in these ashes or how there ever could be any. I have buried my face in the bible since Jake got sick and continued even after his death. Yet the words I read and try to cling to seem so empty now. Scriptures that were meant to bring comfort and healing fall on a broken heart and swollen tear filled eyes.

I never believed that being a Christian or believing Jesus is who he said he was protected me or those I care about from life. I was just naive enough to believe that something so awful so evil so life changing would happen to me or my family. I have found it interesting though I havent heard a lot from God since Jake got sick and not much since Jake died. As humans we feel the need to say something in almost every situation. Even situations or scenarios in which we have little or no experience in. God hasnt said much since all this started, not to me. Maybe he has at different points and I have just been too upset and or angry to listen. When the rest of the world has said everything they know to say he has just listened. When I asked him once we found out Jake was terminal ”Who do you want to be for me in this situation?” The response was ”A shoulder to cry on.” I found that interesting, there was a lot of different words and scriptures and prayers thrown out during that time. None of that ever came from him that I recall just ”A shoulder to cry on.” I have done a lot of crying more like weeping, deep groaning. No preaching, no scripture, no words of revelation, just a shoulder to cry on. I guess that’s all I can ask for at this point. From him or anyone else.