Reflections From The Wreckage

I haven’t been spared from intense feelings or going through difficult situations in my life. I have been rejected by people whether that’s in a business setting or personal relationship. I have been let go from jobs where I did not see it coming. I lived through a pandemic that seemed far fetched at the beginning but became more real as time went on. I have been down to mere dollars in my bank account with a paycheck two weeks away. I have lost people in my life to illnesses, tragic car crash, old age etc. I have been depressed, anxious and even suicidal at different stages of my life. Each time these things happened there was pain and it was difficult. I had doubts and fears over how or when it would end along with what the other side would look like. Would I be better for it? Would I be a different person than I was? Would I learn to appreciate this or that more because I know now what its like to not have it.

This, this point of my life right now is different. The pain is different. It is sharper, cunning, all consuming, overwhelming, breathtaking, hear breaking. Losing Jacob wasn’t just a one time event, I re-lose him everyday I wake up. The pain is annoying some times even embarrassing especially for me. I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve. I’ve always been the one who is easy to offend, easy to be hurt by words or actions. So naturally I would feel this pain and his loss very very deeply. I’ve never cried more over anything or anyone than I have over Jacob’s death. The crying is sometimes quiet like a tear or two running down my face. Sometimes it’s so loud and violent I don’t think it will ever stop. I feel as though I can literally feel my heart breaking time and time again.

I read a few books after Jacob died and they helped me to know that I wasn’t as crazy as I thought I was. My feelings were validated and this really was as bad as it seemed. Because I feel crazy y’all, I feel like I am one step away from being put in a straight jacket. One of the books I read that greatly impacted me was ‘’Lament For A Son’’ by Nicholas Wolterstorff. One quote in particular stuck out to me ‘’A month, A Year, 5 years-with that I could live. But not this forever.’’ As of the day this post was written. It has been 132 days since Jacob’s death. When I look into the future I realize very quickly he wont be here then either. The rest of my time here without him? That I cannot do, I cannot do forever. Yet it is a choice that was not given for me to make, my vote did not matter or count on this one.

Grieving is kind of embarrassing isn’t it? Losing control of your emotions at the most inopportune times. Like walking through the store filled with random people bawling your eyes out. Sitting in a restaurant eating a meal and a memory or a thought passes through that leaves you in the corner in a fetal position. Reading a story or watching a movie that causes you to think about your person and its painful. So. Painful. Whether you’re around friends or family the thought or feeling always crosses your mind, ‘’I am positive they’re tired of my grief.’’ I always think family or friends are secretly saying ‘’Are you crying again?..You’re still stuck on this?’’ It’s different, this is something I have never felt before and I have a hard time putting words to it.

Rachel said something very early on in the days after Jacob passed away that stuck with me. There are many things she said that stuck with me but this one in particular is at the forefront of my head lately. ‘’No one outside of this house and this family needs anymore acknowledgement or reminding that Jacob died.’’ This is true in a number of ways. While everyone else moves on and goes on about their lives we remain stuck. We feel and see his absence everyday, every hour, every second. Because this is different, trying to explain it to someone who has never experienced it is hard to communicate. I feel like I’ve cried a million tears and emptied out the tank so to speak 100x. Yet the next breakdown yields more than the last one. Losing a child is just different, specifically losing Jacob has been different.