Reflections From The Wreckage

You’ve heard of the statement ”when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force”? That’s how I would describe this thing called grief and the creator of the universe who we call God. What I’m learning in my grief over Jake is no matter how much work I put in there is always more to do. Always more grief work that needs to be done. I ashamedly am a person who seeks out instant gratification. It’s always been an ever present part of my life. No matter what it is from working out at the gym, dieting, putting in time at a job all the way down to insiginificant things like video games or learning a new skill. If I don’t see results within a desired timeframe that I feel I should then I throw my hands up, walk away, and say well it just wasn’t meant to be. I wish I wasn’t like this but I am. I am trying to be better and do better but it’s a daily struggle and I’m my own worst critic.

One of my favorite authors on the subject of grief said that year 2 is possibly worse than the first year. For a lot of reasons. The biggest reason though? Goes back to what I was saying about my need for instant gratification. In year 2 at some point you look around and say well I did all this work. I cried more than I ever have in my entire life. I missed you this much already. I did an entire year without you somehow and I’m still here somehow. I did my best to move with this thing called grief. Some days I managed and other days I was dragged through the day. I fought every day to get up after missing you knocked me down and had me in the corner. Now you can come home now right? I did all this work and now this is over. I proved I could do it now we can end it, you don’t have to be gone anymore, we can be together again. Right? No, that’s not the way this works. This is unfortunately a marathon not a sprint. You’re still gone and I’m still here. The grief work continues.

What I’m learning about grief is it goes against every fiber of my being. It’s so painful and so many seconds, minutes, hours, and days it feels like crawling through glass. There is no instant gratification. No Immediate results no matter how much ”work I put in”. Grief is here now and has interwoven itself into every area of my life. It’s here to stay. ”Love me or hate me, I’m not going anywhere.” The unstoppable force. A powerful force every single one of us has and will experience at somepoint on this side of heaven. At the sametime there is also an Immovable object. Another unstoppable force that won’t leave. Ashamedly I tried everything I could to make this happen and when I look back from the beginning until now I can see he never left.

God and grief don’t cancel the other one out. They both co-exist. They both are here to stay. An unstoppable force meets an immovable object. Heaven and earth collide. Sitting in the ashes wondering how this is my life. How we got here and why this happened. Despairing over a future that he won’t be in. Clinging to the past and not wanting to take another step towards tomorrow. Yet, when the smoke begins to clear I see someone standing in the distance. He was the last one still at ground zero after the rescue relief left to return to life. The one well acquainted with grief. God starts walking into the mess that is a life I no longer recognize. Pulling myself up from the ground beating his chest asking him how he could let this happen. Asking him who He is because I no longer recognize him. Questioning everything I’ve ever believed about him. There He stands, arms wrapped around me, weeping with me. Whispering in the midst of the tears, screams, and heartbreak ”Love me or hate me I’m not going anywhere.”

The expected behavior after a devastating loss is to walk away from God. Quit on him. He didn’t deliver. Someone else got the miracle you so desperately prayed for. Everyone understands when you feel that way. Especially saying see you later to someone you expected to be around so much longer. Letting go of his hand and watchng him walk away with Jesus is something I can’t put into words unless you’ve experienced it. It’s a feeling that can’t be explained. A rage that unravels deep inside you and begins to spill out. The weight of what you now carry is so astronimically heavier than anything you’ve ever seen. It’s like staring up at Mt. Everest knowing you must climb it. I hated God after Jake died. It pains me to say it but I did. I wanted nothing to do with Him after watching him slip away so quickly. Months of what felt like unanswered prayers. Begging to switch places. Pleading with him to end his suffering yet holding on with white knuckles trying to keep him here. Carrying a scream inside of me that is so loud it breaks sound barriers and yet no one else can hear it. Crawling from minute to minute. Scripture that is supposed to bring comfort feeling like salt in a wound. The only words I managed to get out if I could pray was ”I don’t know or Help me”. Doing everything I could to walk away and close that door.

. Yet. In the midst of it. I kept going back to this one phrase ”Lord, to whom shall I go?” Where else can I go with this? Where can I run? What can I take to numb this pain? How can speed through this as quickly as possible? No. This is where an immovable force meets an unstoppable object. No. ”Love me or Hate me, I’m not going anywhere.” Where else can I go God? You held all the cards before any of this began and You hold them now. The passage of the bible that refused to close and refused to be silent comes from John 6.

There are a few select people in the bible that I would compare myself to or resonate with the most. 1st would be the disciple who ran so fast in the garden when Jesus was arrested and when the guard attempted to grab him his clothes tore so he was naked when he ran. The 2nd would be Thomas who is often referred to as doubting Thomas. Thomas did not believe Jesus was resurrected. He wanted to see him with his own eyes, touch the holes in his hands and see where they had pierced Jesus. The other person would be Peter on certain accounts. This passage Jesus is trying to explain that He is the bread of life. His blood is the new covenant made between God and man for reconciliation. Peter said exactly what he was thinking. The words he says here in this passage are what I have kept coming back to no matter how sad, heartbroke, angry, etc

The Words of Eternal Life

⁶⁰ When many of his disciples heard it, they said, “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?” ⁶¹ But Jesus, knowing in himself that his disciples were grumbling about this, said to them, “Do you take offense at this? ⁶² Then what if you were to see the Son of Man ascending to where he was before? ⁶³ It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. ⁶⁴ But there are some of you who do not believe.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not believe, and who it was who would betray him.) ⁶⁵ And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.”

⁶⁶ After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. ⁶⁷ So Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” ⁶⁸ Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, ⁶⁹ and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:40-69

There’s a song I heard years ago that stuck with me then and resonates even more so now. The lyrics to the end of the song go like this ”So love me or hate me, I’m not going anywhere
Leave me or take me, you still bear my signature
Know me or not, seen or forgotten
I’m not walking out on you
Love me or hate me, I’m not going anywhere
Leave me or take me, you still bear my signature
Know me or not, seen or forgotten
I’m not walking out on you”

When the immovable object meets the unstoppable force, where else can I go? Who else can I run to? Who else has the words to eternal life? Who do I hear whispering ”Love me or Hate me I’m not going anywhere. Leave me or take me, you still bear my signature. Know me or not, seen or forgotten, I’m not walking out on you.”