Reflections From The Wreckage

I’ve been thinking about that statement a lot. There’s a lot of things Jake said or I said that run through my mind nearly 24/7. It’s like sitting in a movie theatre and being unable to leave because the reel just keeps going. All the memories, all the talks, all the stuff that just plays on repeat. Sometimes I lock in on one specific memory or conversation we had. This one I’ve been locked in on for a while now. I think even more so with the news of another baby on the way. Another boy if anyone reading this didn’t know. A rainbow baby is what they call it.

But I think about this conversation I had with Jake a lot lately. I think about it when I see and talk to Lincoln. I think about it and see it when I talk to Addi. And I think I’ll think about it when this new baby comes and starts showing their personality. I had a lot of really tough gut wrenching conversations with Jake throughout his battle with cancer. We all did. We all were apart of those conversations and it’s really painful to have those memories. It’s really painful to write about it or talk about it but in some strange way it’s a little bit relieving to get it out.

Towards the end of his time here with us somewhere between him being declared terminal and him leaving us. The exact day or timeframe is a blur much like anything from that time until now. We talked about how if we didn’t find a cure then the cancer would kill him. He would die from this disease. I can still somewhat picture the look on his face and the pause he took before he spoke. He said, “well at least Addi has Lincoln.” Almost as if he accepted it and said she’ll be alright because she still has him. Almost as if he was saying y’all will be okay even though you’re losing me you still have him.

I think about that conversation all the time especially now that Lincoln has come into his personality. Now that he’s doing all the things Jake wanted to do with him. Now that I see so much of Jacob in him. Now that I see the relationship between Addison and Lincoln growing. Now that there’s another boy on the way. I am grateful for them and they have kept me here breathing when I don’t want to be anymore. But I so wish we never had to have that conversation. I wish he could’ve stayed. I wish he could see them now. All the what ifs and what would they be doing and what would he look like are all there.

I think another way you could look at it is with death so close for him. Knowing he was leaving soon, he still was looking out for her. For us. Making sure she was taken care of, we were taken care of. Looking out one more time. At least Addi has Lincoln.