Reflections From The Wreckage

I came across the quote above recently and wanted to expand upon it because I have a lot of thoughts on this topic. Grief brings about a lot of different emotions on a daily basis. I often attribute this to spinning a wheel or the chamber on a revolver. One emotion you have at this time may not be the emotion you have the next time. While some emotions that come along tend to stick around longer than you would like. Grief I think brings out a lot of emotions and areas that maybe were always there but supressed. Grief brings those things to the surface as uncomfortable and painful as that may be.

Losing Jake is a grief I didn’t want to know and one that has taken me to the abyss and back. At times I think I am still there standing on the edge staring into the void. Wondering if I will come back and when I do come back who is exactly coming back. One of the emotions that has stuck with me the longest is fear. Fear of a future without him in it, fear of what tomorrow will look like, fear of what’s coming next, fear of who or what will be taken away next. When grief like this happens you not only see behind the veil but the facade of this idea life will always be ok gets pulled out from under you like a rug. You realize that the protection you thought was there isn’t really there. Your concept and idea that you have control over your life and or the life of another is blown into pieces.

C.S. Lewis writes ”No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”

The fear settles into areas that would seem so trivial to someone else. Your kid is sick or complaining of pain somewhere in their body, your first thought is. Oh no, it’s happening again this is going to happen again. I can’t settle into this part of my life because it’s going to end soon. I should think twice about planning that trip because who knows what will happen between now and then. I am scared of the question ”how many kids do you have?” Its terrifying living with this thing called grief because I never know when it will show up. Its not wanting to go into their room because you might not wanna leave. Its being afraid of that holiday, birthday or event thats supposed to be fun and joyful but it just doesn’t bring about those feelings for you anymore. Its being scared that they wont remember you when you see them again. Its not wanting them to remember the pain they went through here but you living inside of that pain for however long your life is here. Its being afraid that if you try really hard at something you will still fail in the end because you couldnt fix them, you couldn’t save them. Its being afraid that if you dont feel a certain way or show emotions people will think you’re fine and or have moved on. Its being afraid for the ones their death affected so severely wondering if they will be okay. Its being afraid they won’t and don’t forgive you for the times you failed them. This nagging feeling of am I making them proud?

With that fear comes this thought that never seems to really go away, this acceptance of lifes disappointments. Things happen, and people say or do things that make you feel a certain way. In comes the thought of ”I knew this would happen because why wouldn’t it? my world got flipped upside down so it makes sense this would happen. It makes sense they would say this or do that because this is life now.” So it’s a constant state of being afraid of the next grenade going off while also being quick to accept and expect the next thing to go wrong. Grief is complicated and no matter how much we write about it or speak on it I don’t think we will ever fully understand it. I am convinced fear is one of the feelings that sticks around the longest when grief enters your life.