Reflections From The Wreckage

Hello reader, welcome to the blog where I talk about grief. That awful word that no one wants to hear and absolutely don’t want to talk about. An event that is universally felt but universally misunderstood. I don’t claim to have all the answers im just the guy in the trenches speaking out and trying to help who I can. I am no expert on the topic of grief but I know what grief feels like for me. Welcome and know that this is a safe space to share or just listen if you don’t feel like talking. After all there is nothing I can say or do here that will make you feel any better. I will keep talking about it though because chances are grief has come to visit you or will at some point in your life.

The death of a child proves that there is no line death will not cross. Our days on this planet are numbered and there is nothing any of us can do about it. We put all these boundaries, rules, restraints etc in place to protect ourselves and those that we love but we are not in control. Our own mortality comes full circle and that of those around us. I came across this quote the other day that stood out to me that I think captures the message I am trying to get across here. ”How terrible it is to love something death can touch.”This was written by a 12th century Jewish poet named Judah Halevi. Essentially saying that choosing to love is choosing to grieve.

Being in this club that I, we are now in is still very strange to me. I can’t quite put words to me but everytime I think about it or see the evidence I still am in disbelief. The club sometimes known as ”The Ugly Shoes Club” or the ones you avoid because what happened to you might happen to them as if you have some kind of disease you might catch. The ones you avoid because you don’t know what to say so you choose to keep your distance and say nothing. When I see the evidence of what has transpired though I still find myself saying..thinking..”That can’t be right. There has been a mistake, I..We aren’t supposed to be here. We aren’t supposed to have a membership in this club. Our sons dash shouldn’t have stopped there, why is his name there next to that date? Why are we member here? There’s been a mistake, someone needs to fix this. Not our son, Not our boy, Not us.”

I don’t grieve for where he is, I grieve for where he is not. I don’t grieve for him anymore I greive for me for us the ones left behind. I grieve all the little moments during the day he is not here. All the mundane day to day tasks and routines we all dread that he is not apart of. When you lose someone you love, when you grieve you tend to develop a vast imagination. You have to because that is where they live now with you. In your heart yes, memories yes, photos, videos, but in your imagination they remain as well. This is especially true when you lose a child. Your imagination has to grow and grow fast. You have to imagine them at different stages of life. Imagine what they would look like now that they are 7 but remain forever 5. Imagine how big they would be by now, imagine how their interests would change or stay the same. Imagine what they would be doing in different moments you find yourself in. Imagine them with their siblings, imagine them with their friends. Imagine them in the spaces and places they will not get to visit physically. Imagination is where they live as well and becomes very important to develop.

I am still waiting to wake up from this, still wondering why we are in this club and on this list. Still wrestling with the idea that there has been some mistake. While still speaking out about the unspeakable because grief refuses to be silenced. Still making my way through the trenches because unfortunately I cannot prevent anyone else from going through this. I cannot take the burden for everyone, There are new members being given ugly shoes every day. Life isn’t always beautiful friends and someone needs to speak about that part too.