Reflections From The Wreckage

Before losing Jake, before there was ever any hint of any kind of sickness or anything wrong I would have never thought it was possible. Most days I still can’t wrap my head around this new relationship I have to try and create with him. I’ve never been one to believe in ”signs” from those who have passed through deaths door. Honestly I thought it was all kind of crazy and sometimes rediculous. Once again though being thrust into this new strange world of grief that is learning to live without one of your children has changed my perspective. Perspectives have changed about a lot of things and how can they not when your world is flipped upside down? Most people think now that some time has passed, the funeral is over, we passed some ‘firsts’, we arent actively sitting in a hospital room or sitting by his beadside that things have ‘resumed to normal’. Our world has started to tilt back on its axis. Quite the opposite actually, couldn’t be further from the truth. We re-live it all every day and unfortunately I imagine it will sort of always be that way.

For those of you that have kept up with me, with us through this blog. Found the courage and the strength to keep checking in, thank you. For those that left, I get that too. What you will find written here is not a feel good heartwarming, over-comer type of writing. I have not found purpose or meaning or become something/someone extraordinary from this loss. Grief is a journey and it looks different for everyone. There may come a time when those things happen, but I also believe in being a realist about it all. If not just for me for someone else who is in the same boat who feels misunderstood. Life isn’t always beautiful and the majority of the time is not fair in the slightest.

I explained this concept of having a relationship with the gone for me as someone who is constantly asking, ”Have you seen him? Have you seen Jake?” Now that he is gone I find myself looking everywhere for him for any trace of him through people, places, things, emotions etc. We said that Jake was known as the ”turtle whisperer” many times over, we said that he loved to ‘hunt frogs’, loved nature, the beach, etc. Whenever I see a frog or a turtle I think maybe that was him saying Hello or What’s up? Whenever I am fortunate enough to go to the beach or near a body of water I imagine him running through the sand and into the water. I see him in his brother these days when those other things are not happening. I see his smile, his tenacity for all things boy in Lincoln. Somehow someway it still feels like he is there when I find a nerf dart going through a box. Picking up a pair of headphones he used to wear, holding the glove he used to wear during physical therapy so his hands wouldnt hurt.

I find him in the last few items that he colored whether paper or wooden craft. I see him and find him in the little rubber scrubby he used to use to ”wash his hair” after he got sick. I still see him and find him in the bike that goes unused in the garage now. I see him in the shoes left behind that were frequently used, some even still have mud on them from being worn outside. It’s amazing what becomes important to you after someone you love more than life leaves. An example of this would be for me holding onto the last box of tissues he pulled from. Not wanting to use them because it would feel too much like letting him go all over again. Holding onto his bag of ”money” he was so proud of because that touched his hands and meant something to him. Pulling the last set of sheets he slept in off his bed to wash and put away but checking to see if his smell was still there. Then being upset and angry with myself because I can’t remember what he smelled like.

Another recent example of a sign that seems pretty undeniable would be our order screw up with doordash. We tried to place an order for sandwiches twice. The first time the order came it was not even remotely close to what we ordered. A name that did not match ours or match anyone we might know. The second time the order was placed which ended up being wrong again. Yet the name on this ticket was ”Jacob R”. Idk you can come up with your own conclusions on that one. Hearing from lincoln one morning after another that Jake comes to sleep with him in his bed at night or play with him in his room. Addison seeing him in a dream that felt very real days after his death in which she saw Jake on the beach petting a horse exactly the way he was before cancer ever touched him. Hearing noises come from his room when you know no one is there and your mind begins to come up with a scenario in which you open the door and there is playing like before knowing it’s nothing but a mirage or wishful thinking.

I haven’t heard his voice since 07/27/23 audibly, yet I have heard his voice internally many many times since that day. I find the days I don’t hear his voice frustrating and infuriating because it feels like I’ll never hear it again. What once seemed like a foreign almost crazy concept has become somewhat of a daily ritual. Looking for someone who is no longer here physically in whatever way the day presents itself. Learning to continue a relationship that has taken on a drastically different form and outcome than any of us were ever prepared for. This is loving the gone, this is grief.