Reflections From The Wreckage

I enjoy things that move me that cause me to reflect on my own life, deep conversations, stories that tell the why behind someone or something. I have always enjoyed films and television shows. I think if an actor or actress is worth their salt their performance brings the viewer into seeing themselves in that character. There is a lot of metaphors, imagery and messages in many song, television shows and films today. There always has been some of it is seen as good some of it is seen as bad. There are certain film makers whose beliefs transfer onto the screen. JRR Tolkien is one of those film producers. I read that his beliefs on the realities of war translated into the world renowned films ”The Lord of the Rings.” The battle for good and evil, loyalty, valor, betrayal, greed, poetry, the afterlife and many others can be seen in this film series.

Certain scenes stick out more than others especially when something happens or is currently happening in your own life. This scene pasted above is one that stuck out then and one I think about often now. During the last days with our boy in an unfamiliar place around unfamiliar people there was a lot that took place. A lot to talk and reflect about, some of it Ive shared here through this platform. The day before Jake ran ahead we spent most of that day just laying with him. We all wanted to be close to him and talk to him one last time if that is what was to be. He was not talking back during this time mostly sleeping but was still responsive to pain when it became too much.

Sometimes I look back on that day and ask myself if it would have been easier to say goodbye if he couldve said it back to us. If we could have told him how much we loved him, how proud we were of him followed by him saying he loved us back. I still don’t think it would have been any easier but I still try to imagine what that would have meant to me, to us going forward to have heard him say goodbye and I love you. He was never shy about saying he loved us before he got sick or after he got sick. When he was home after being released from hospital care, every night before going to bed he would tell everyone ”I love you, I’ll see you tomorrow, hope you get some good rest.” I still hold onto those memories when I think about those last days with him in that hospital.

During that time and everyday since then I curated a playlist that is simply titled ”Jacob”. Songs with lyrics that resonate deep within my soul. Lyrics that describe how I feel about grief, about him, about everything we all went through. Still going through because grief doesn’t stop the day your person dies or even the day of the funeral. In my experience and opinion the moments, hours and days after the funeral ends. When friends and family return to their lives, the meals stop, texts and phone calls dissipate that is when grief begins. Reality begins to set in that you are on your own now and this journey is yours to take willingly or unwillingly.

I love the way Gandalf describes death in this particular scene. Just to provide some context, there is a great battle going on for the soul of middle earth. The city Gandalf and Pippin find themselves defending is slowly fading after days of sieges by their enemies. Pippin looks over the landscape, reflecting on the prior days and the present begins to believe the end is near. He says that ”He didn’t think it would end this way.” I resonate so deeply with those lines as I have found myself thinking the exact same thing when Jake got sick and ultimately passed. Sitting in that hospital room hearing the words from the doctor ”Time of death. 11:23 am.” I didn’t think it would end this way. Gandalf comforts his young companion by telling him essentially, even if it does. This is not the end my friend, this is only the beginning. Gandalf had his own near death experience a few movies prior in which he saw what the next realm looked like. Describing it to Pippin as the battle rages pippin begins to have more peace than panic.

Saturday late afternoon, July 29th 2023 in Augusta Georgia at Augusta Childrens Hospital laying in bed with our boy weeping and reflecting on all the memories we had with him during what most would agree was a short stint. I played several songs from what would become my ”Jacob” playlist. Some what of a sacred playlist that brings both comfort and mourning there was one particular song that played. Its a song by Steffany Gretzinger called ”Come out of Hiding”. I don’t know the story behind the song but I have to believe it came from a difficult time in her life. As I was laying with Jake I thought about something someone told me a month back in the hospital with him in Lubbock when we were so sure we were saying goodbye then. They said ”When someone’s time is up or coming soon, the veil to the next life begins to get thinner. They can see things and people they would not be able to otherwise.”

I was thinking about that trying to imagine what Jake was seeing during his deep sleep. I attached a picture above this post of young Jake running on the playground. He might have been 3-4 when that picture was taken. Jake always was a runner even at the most inopportune times. I thought about this scene from the Lord of the Rings. Green pastures…white beaches and shores far as the eye can see. I imagined Jake running towards that landscape, I thought about two worlds colliding. One getting closer and closer with every step he took. I imagined the anticipation in his spirit, excitement, maybe some nerves about what it would be like when he stopped running and got there. I just tried to imagine some of the most beautiful places around the world I had been to or seen. Keep running Jake, I said. As I was imagining all this, reflecting on this movie scene there was a song playing in the background. One carefully selected for just this moment.

The lyrics resonated so deeply and went together perfectly with what I was seeing, imagining he was doing in those moments. ”And oh, as you run
What hindered love
Will only become
Part of the story
And oh, as you run
What hindered love
Will only become
Part of the story

And oh, as you run
What hindered love
Will only become
Part of the story
And oh, as you run
What hindered love
Will only become
Part of the story

Baby, you’re almost home now
Please, don’t quit now
You’re almost home to me, yeah
Baby, you’re almost home now
Please, don’t quit now
You’re almost home to me, yes, you are
Now, baby, you’re almost home now
Please, don’t quit now
You’re almost home to me.”

Steffany wrote this song from the perspective of Jesus singing/speaking directly to her. Imagining Jake running and telling him to keep running I imagined as the two worlds collided. As the veil got thinner, Jake running and Jesus waiting maybe running towards him with this song playing. Its ironic and somewhat crazy when you love someone so much that you want them to leave, to go through that door, to see those green pastures and white shores because the pain of them staying continuing in the pain they are in is too much to bear. Everything inside of me wanted him to turn around and run back to us. I knew though this time he was going to run and run somewhere we couldn’t follow, yet. I like to think that to this day Jake is running still but in the company of so many friends new and familiar. I like to think that when I learn about the unfortunate passing of another warrior who fought the good fight, stayed the course and ran through that door that Jake ran to meet them. Keep running Jake and meet me at the door.