Reflections From The Wreckage

This is the second birthday we have had to endure/celebrate without you and the fact of the matter is it still has not gotten easier. I have said as have others that our worst day was your best day. You deserve everything that heaven has to offer and then some. They are so lucky to gave you as a new resident there. I ask myself so often ”I wonder what Jake is doing at this very moment?” Still dilusional enough to believe I will get an answer or get to look through some type of magic looking glass peering into heaven. Trying to imagine what you would be like at 7 is difficult. One the one side if it was the version that never got sick I imagine you would be just as wild as you were at 5. Maybe your toy prefernces might have changed slightly. Would you be into sports right now? Still doing Jujitsu? Would you still choose apple juice over any other kind of drink? On the other side of imagining you at 7 would you be better by now? Would you be out of your wheel chair, hair growing back, strength returning, would there still be endless hospital visits and long sleep-overs? So many questions that will never be answered this side of heaven. I know that you are free now from all of it. I know that you have no more worries or fears and I imagine all your questions are answered.

I suppose I should fill you in on some things that have happened here. We are all just trying to make it through the day without you in our own ways. There isn’t a day that goes by that your name is not spoken, that your presence is not missed, that your hugs, smile and laughter is not needed. I think I will start at the beginning since it has been some time since my last letter. We took a trip for about a week to the beach to get away from it all for remembrance of your heavenly departure date. I am still so sad that we did not take you on your trip to the beach that you wanted to go to during your last few weeks with us. But we did enjoy the beach, the pool and seeing extended family. Lincoln kept referring to our Air BnB as ”the green house”. He is a lot like you in that after a few hours he is ready to go home. During our visit there on day in particular we saw a sea turtle swim right up to us while we were on a peer. We instantly thought that came from you just coming to ”say hello”. We all look for ‘signs’ since you left as silly as that is. Me and your pawpaw both get pierced by sting rays both minutes and feet apart. I imagine you would have laughed some probably saying you had a part in that. Then asked if we were ok, told us to be careful and went in after them yourselves,

Addi is doing so well Jake you would be so proud of your sister. Every day I am amazed at her strength and resilience. I like to think that is something you passed on to her during your time here. I know she misses you and is absolutely wrecked that her best friend is no longer here. She doesn’t show it though very often, I think she is trying to be strong for us. She also doesn’t like crying in front of people but you knew that. She started cheerleading this year and that was exciting for her. She was really good at it despite it being her first time. They also chose to honor you during one of the games earlier this year. Bracelets, T-shirts and my favorite frog/turttle tattoos. Your friend Grayson was so excited to get his hands on all the jake stuff. The impression you made on him in such a short amount of time I don’t believe will ever be forgotten. Even he asks ‘why’ it had to be you and tells everyone that you are his best friend. Because why wouldn’t he? That’s how you made everyone feel.

Lincoln well there is really no other words to describe him. He is just Lincoln. He turns 4 this year and its really hard some days seeing him play alone because I know you would have loved this time with him. He plays by himself, entertains himself and seems to have a good time but it still hurts knowing y’all never got that time together. Lincoln is going to the same school you went to and he likes it. He made lots of friends including Hannah’s little sister Leieh (sorry Julie for butchering the name). We have made some serious strides potty training him. I am hoping he will get it all the way very soon. He does his training naked like we did with you and sometimes goes in the yard instead of the toilet like you did but its fine. He has become pawpaws best buddy part 2 since you left. I know though that you would want exactly that for mending his broken heart. The phrase ”At least Addi has Lincoln” comes to mind here.

Your mom is doing what she needs to do in order to get through one more day without you. One day closer to saying hello and never goodbye again. She tries so hard to pour the love and strength she has left into the rest of us even when she has none left over for herself. She is still fighting for the ones who have no voice and cannot fight for themselves. She loves on all the kids but the cancer kids will always have a special place in her and my heart. She had made some new really good friendships that keep her going. I know this is gonna be hard to believe but dude she got more dogs. Yes. you and me both buddy, same expression. She got another frenchie and CiCi had puppies. Let’s hope they’re not assholes like CiCi (Inside joke if you know you know). But for real Jake you should be so proud of her. She tries so hard and loves even harder even though her own heart is broken. Jake, I can honestly say that the love you gave her did not diminish just because you aren’t around anymore.

I am doing alright I guess all things considered. I have definitely had more bad days than good days. Before you left I had never known a grief like this. I had never known a sadness that seems to never fully go away. I know that I miss you though more than I could ever put into words. I love you even more than that. I am so honored and so proud to have been able to be your father for the short time I had you. We all sat down as a family last night and ate mcdonald’s and chick fil a in memory and honor of you. Few words were spoken but everything that needed to be said was said and felt in our silence. I still haven’t figured out exactly how to go about this day man. Maybe one day I will get to the point where it won’t knock me down so bad and so far. Anyways, enough about me. I don’t know if you got my last letter I know it’s been a while since we spoke. I need to do this more I think. I know you are next to the king himself always, we need all the prayer, strength and support to continue to put one stepo in front of the other. Only you two know why it had to be this way. Happy Birthday Big Man, I hope that you are having the BEST time surrounded by so many friends old and new. I hope you do something cool that we can talk about one day soon.

I’ll sign this off by telling you a story about your great grandmother who I know you have met since you got there. My grandma used to call my mom when we lived in the same town weekly maybe daily with the same line. ”How are my kids doing? Mom would laugh probably a little annoyed ”They’re fine mom. My grandma would then say ”Well, sounds like you’re taking care of them, they seem happy. Im gonna let you keep em for a little bit longer since you’re doing a good job.” If heaven had a phone I imagine the same conversation would be going on with me and Jesus. Though everything in me would want you back. Happy Birthday Jake, until next time. I love you, I miss You and I can’t wait to catch up with you one day soon.

Love, Dad