Reflections From The Wreckage

There’s a lot that I feel like I need to get out in terms of writing but everytime I sit down to write about it I instantly lose the motivation/energy to do so. Typically how this blog works is I see or think of something that inspires me and I take that idea further by expanding on it. This picture above has been on my mind a lot and I feel like really tells the story of where I am at in the ”grieving process.”

This picture was take at UMC in Lubbock Texas, I believe this was the day before Jakes major surgery. The biggest surgery in his life and really in anyone of our lives. We had just been told days earlier that Jacob had a mass in his brain and were so unsure of what the future would hold for him and our family. Jake was handling it with more poise and composure than anyone I had ever seen in my life be told someothing so life altering. Just hours earlier Rachels mom Liz had brought the kids down for a visit. We had so abruptly left days earlier after being told about the mass in his brain. On this particular visit our friend Julie, her mom and Hannah pictured above came to see Jake. More back story here for those of you who don’t know, Hannah is Jacobs best friend. Literally they have been together since they were babies, we used to watch Hannah when she was a baby while Julie worked.

Hannah and Jake were inseperable in so many ways. They did life together from the time they were babies all the way up until a few months before Jake passed. Whenever you would ask Jake, ”Who’s your best friend?” His response was ”Hannah.” Always. Hannah was jakes best friend, girlfriend, partner in crime, school mate etc. She was there from the beginning and stayed with him by his side until the very end. Hannah was everything to Jake and he was and still is everything to her. I have heard it said that siblings are often the forgotten grievers. Please remember Hannah when you find yourself thinking of us, of Jake, her little heart is broken just as much as the next person. To know this kind of pain and loss at that age is something that unfathomable and unimaginable. I myself have hesitated saying anything to her because the only thing I can say is ”Im sorry, we tried to save him and keep him. We tried so hard and he fought so hard to stay, Im so sorry Hannah.”

Going back to the story behind this picture the kids and parents stayed with us for a few hours that day. After some time everyone got their things gathered up and began walking out the door. When we got outside there was another sight that almost illuminated in front of me. At the time I didn’t really understand why but looking back now I can see why that was the case. Jake, Hannah and Addison immediately started playing with one another. A game of tag insued which just so happened to be the last time I would get to see Jake run and play un-constrained, unprohibited by lines, medicines, wheelchair, pain etc. I still think about that memory now and I still would say it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. You never know the value of a moment until that moment is gone.

Everyone began piling in their cars, kids were getting into carseats. Hugs were given by everyone and a whole lot of tears for what the future might hold for all of us. As you can imagine the kids did not want to leave or say goodbye to us again much less each other. This picture was captured by someone there that day and Im so glad that it was. You see as was pretty typical with Jake he was always more concerned with everyone else before himself. In this picture he is comforting Hannah who is so distraught that she had to say goodbye to her friend. What Jake said next really took me for a whirl and stopped me in my tracks. He told her ”Hannah its okay, I have to do this to get better.” Can you imagine possible fathom that phrase coming from a 5 year old who had just been told days earlier he had a tumor. He had been shipped off to an unfamiliar place with strange people away from everything he knew. He had no idea what path was before him and what that path would lead to. That moment left a mark on me and so many others who were ther to witness it.

That phrase ”I have to do this to get better” could not be more fitting for where I find myself now. July 30th 2024 marked 1 year that Jake ran ahead of us permanently. I look back at the past year and it is all such a blur from the start of it until now. In so many ways I feel like my world, our world was flipped on its head in late December of 2022 and never stopped. I have no possible idea how I/We have made it this far. Grief is so much work and so exhausting. I have lost grandparents, an aunt, uncle, pets, relationships, jobs but nothing and I mean NOTHING has compared to the pain that I feel these days. The weight of it all is so much more than I can bear. I absolutely despise that this is our life now. I hate no I loathe that Jake is no longer here because the world was robbed of such a beautiful one of a kind soul. I would trade places with him right this second to give him back to everyone who cares for him. There are days I believe wholeheartedly that I can hear and feel my heart breaking inside my chest. Child loss is every bit as awful as you have heard and I would not wish it on anyone.

Yet I wake up everyday and I keep trudging through each minute/hour of the day. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I sit with the grief and feel the tsunami style waves wash over me. My heart keeps beating though it feels utterly broken and irreparable. I keep showing up or trying to for that matter. Life is so inherently different now, the sky doesn’t look so blue and the sun doesn’t shine as brightly these days. Yet everyday that I keep waking up, keep going no matter how slow or far behind I feel from everyone else. I hear Jake saying ”I have to do this to get better” I really don’t know if I will ever get better or what better even looks like when I think about this long term. Looking too far into the future isn’t so healthy and can send me spiraling. I guess I would close this post by saying that maybe that is what this grief journey is. That is the mindset to keep somewhere and pull on the in the really tough times. The dark night of the soul when I am wondering how on earth I am going to face tomorrow. I go back into my memory bank and I see that embrace between two best friends. I hear the words ”I have to do this to get better”. I take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other and I take that next step.