Reflections From The Wreckage

Many many times throughout the time since Jacob ran ahead of us I have often had the same question flood my mind. ”What is happening to me?” Everything I have read thus far has told me that this is grief. You aren’t crazy you are grieving, there is a difference. As someone going through it firsthand it most resembles your body and brain in a state of constant panic. Imagine a scenario in which a potential world altering/apocalyptic event is on the verge of happening or has already happened. The department responsible for handinlg this type of scenario is a state of emergency. People are running around screaming at one another, papers are flying, phone are ringing non stop, alarms going off. Some people are frozen in place, some are running through the nearest exit, some jumping out of windows. The world as they knew it has come to end while the new world post event/emergency/apocalypse has just begun. Grief in child loss feels a lot like that scenario to me. Some Interesting notes found in researching what happens to a parents brain after their child dies can be seen below.

The information comes from the National Library of Medicine. Parents of children or adolescents who die are found to suffer a broad range of difficult mental and physical symptoms. Feelings of depression, sadness, despair, helplessness, loneliness, abandonment and a wish to die themselves. There are other feelings that are most commonly felt among bereaved parents. Loss of Appetite or Over Eating, Confusion, Inabilitiy to Concentrate, Obsessive Thinking, Extreme sense or feelings of Vulernability, Anxiety, Panic etc. Anger is also a common feeling among bereaved parents. Naturally, being angry at the death of your child is common as well. It can manifest as chronic irritation and or frustration. Anger may be directed at spouses, other family members, professional staff, God, fate and or the death of the child itself. This anger can also be inward at oneself with intense feelings of self-hatred, shame and or worthlessness. Children are a symbol of the future. Parents have dreams for their childrens future and or share dreams with their child about their future. When a child dies, those plans/dreams for their future dies along with that child (Christ, et al., 1970).

It’s feelings of intense sadness, despair, hopelessness, anger, confusion, memory loss, panic, constantly battling between a space of nothing matters to everything matters. It’s feeling ok for a moment then spiraling down the rabbit hole when something happens that reminds you of your child. Could be a song, scent, meal, place, phrase, movie, television show, calendar changing, an event etc. Its constantly asking yourself ‘What is wrong with me and why can’t I function right now?” I find that I don’t even have the energy or motivation to write anymore. Writing is something I have always enjoyed and has been therapeutic in some ways in dealing with the newly found reality. Yet it seems that after some time you get to the place where it feels like there is nothing left to be said about something that is unspeakable/unthinkable. Yet there is everything still to be said because this is an going process that is ever changing ever evolving and yet very much the same.

Sometimes these blog posts have a direction or start out that way. As the words hit the page though that direction may spin into 10 different directions. It feels as though the point trying to be conveyed doesn’t exist once the page comes to the end. So Im not sure what the point is to this blog post, Grief is hard. Grief in Child loss cannot be measured or put into words and yet there are so many words that could accurately portray it.

Christ, G. H., Bonanno, G., Malkinson, R., & Rubin, S. (1970, January 1). Bereavement experiences after the death of a child. When Children Die: Improving Palliative and End-of-Life Care for Children and Their Families. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK220798/#:~:text=Parents%20of%20children%20and%20adolescents,wish%20to%20die%20%5B28%5D.