Reflections From The Wreckage

At the time of this post, we are closing in on the one year ”anniversary” of Jakes passing. A lot of emotions have been circulating as this date approaches. As I have said many times over to put it into words as best I can. The pain feels like it just happened yesterday. The missing him, the time he has been gone from our sight feels like an eternity. It feels like he has been gone 10 plus years already and yet it has not even been one year. 356 days of tears, which is more like wailing most days. I had read about that but I couldn’t fully understand it until I was thrust into this seemingly alternate reality I find myself in now. 356 days of the never ending questions of ‘why’, ‘how’, ‘I don’t understand’, ‘This can’t be real’, ‘Are you really not coming back?’ 356 days of going to sleep every night knowing you weren’t in your bed when I went to sleep and won’t be there when I wake up. 356 days of wondering who you would be today and what life would look like now. 356 days of forcing myselt to try to re-enter a society I no longer feel apart of. 356 days of screaming internally with a sound only God can hear. 356 days of feeling like a ghost where I don’t belong here but it isn’t my time to be with you yet either. 356 days of sharing your story, your name, the memories you left us with and wishing to go back to a time you were here before it all went south.

”Friendship arises of of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, til that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, ”What? You too? I thought I was the only one.” It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumbings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision – it is when that Friendship is born. And instantly they stand together in an immense solitude.” – C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

During that time there are some things I have learned about grief in child loss that I think may or may not be helpful for those who have or will find themselves members of this club. These are my experiences and my opinons so take what resonates and throw the rest out. First and foremost, I am so truly sorry that you find yourself here. There really is nothing I or anyone can say that will make you feel any better. There is nothing that can be done. I am so sorry that there is nothing better that comes out other than ”Im sorry”. We have so many words to describe other types of losses. Widowed, Orphaned, Forgotten Mourners etc. For someone who has lost a child there is no term that could be accurately descriptive so we say ”bereaved”. I saw a quote recently that said, ”The funeral begins for you when the funeral ends.” In the days after your childs passing you will go through so many emotions. Most of us hopefully will have a village, a community, a support group, a friend that will rally around us. These people will rush into ground zero to be with you as you sit among the reckage and devastation.

As much as we say there really is no wrong thing to say, that couldn’t be further from the truth. The best thing people did for me in those early days is to simply acknowledge how devastating this really was. Now is not the time to be positive and to throw out statements that start with ”At least they, We need to be grateful for the time we had.. They aren’t suffering anymore..They wouldn’t want you to be or feel or say or do..They are with God now..God will use you and this for x, y an z..You will see them again..You can’t stay in this place or space..” Fill in the blank as you so choose. The best thing to do for someone who lost a child is to acknowledge how devastating it is, cry with with them, wrap your arms around them, sit with them, let them vent without trying to fix, I am thinking of you, praying for you, I am coming to spend time with you, I am sending you a meal, I remember when insert his/her name did this or that, I really loved this or that about insert his/her name etc. Also know though that nobody is very good at comforting those are grieving. Especially when that loss is a child. People will say and do things or not say anything for a number of reasons. None of it will be acceptable most days and in all honesty none of it will really make you feel better.

Know that there really is no blueprint for this type of loss. There is no instruction manual on how or what you are supposed to do going forward. This is a whole new landscape for you just as it is new for everyone in/around your life. You will learn as you go what works for you and what doesn’t. The thing you have to understand is that the majority of the time you won’t want to wake up. You won’t want to face another day, have another conversation, re-enter a life you no longer recognize but you do and you will. The sun will rise tomorrow, the clock will keep ticking, calendars will change. This is all so infuriating how everything and everyone keeps going after a loss so catastrophic. It is okay to be infuriated by it all, to wish everyone/everything would stop because your world has been flipped upside down. Break down your days after into moments even seconds if you have to. Focus on breathing if you must because breathing is one of the hardest things to do when you are in that much pain. Do what you must to survive which will look different for everyone. Keep sharing those same stories over and over, keep saying their name no matter how exhausting it may feel or seem. Allow yourself to feel all of the things as they come through and over you. It will come out one or the other if you try and suppress it. Chances are majority of the time you will grieve at the most inopportune time. This might and probably will make people uncomfortable. That is okay, this is new to you and new to them.

Whatever you believed in before your child died will be shaken and tested after their passing. You probably will be angry with God maybe even at God. A feeling of betrayal and a colossal let down may quickly ensue. Praying may be very difficult for you may even be non-existent for a time. Going to a church or being around the Christian community may be out of the question for you. The bible may seem like it has nothing that pertains to you anymore. Some people will tell you none of that is acceptable that is okay as well. They are not you and you are not them. These strong emotions you are feeling are apart of the process. Again in this area you may be the complete opposite, you may cling to prayer, God, a believing community etc. That is okay as well. Just know whatever it is you are feeling God can handle it. Whether you tell him or don’t tell him. Whether you scream at him until your lungs give out or you sit in silence he hears you. That probably won’t make you feel any better either and that is okay as well. There is no justification or reasoning even God can give you that would make this okay. I think he knows that and that is why you will not get the answer this side to why this happened or was allowed to happen. For the duration of Jakes battle I heard so much from so many people. God is going to heal him, This isn’t a sickness that will lead to death, Just have faith and believe, keep praying, keep trusting etc. I never heard any of that from God. The only thing I heard was that he wanted to be a shoulder for me to cry on. I still think about that to this day. Again it doesn’t really make me feel any better and probably won’t make you feel better but chances are there isn’t a whole lot that will. One final note on this subject is that Heaven will never become more real to you than when your child dies. What once seemed like a story book ending to a fairy tale will dominate your thoughts. An infatuation with eternity will take hold of you because you now have something so precious waiting for you there. Make no mistake your child is eagerly waiting for that reunion just as much if not more than you may be. Hard to believe I know but it is something I believe/hold onto.

Relationships will absolutely change after your child dies. People you thought would be there and stick around won’t be. Other people who you did not know as well or maybe even at all will become as close as a sibling. The way you parent your other kids if you have them or choose to have them later will be different. You see the world through a new set of eyes now. Priorities that were on the highest petastool are now shifted to accomodate new ones. Pictures and videos you took at nauseam through the years that seemed insignificant or too much at the time will become as precious as gold to you. All the moments, hours, days that you scratched and clawed through to get things done with that child to get to that appointment, errand, event etc. You will remember, reflect and wish to re-visit that time period. Know that at some point the ”Thinking of you, Praying for you, Im so sorry” messages will eventually stop. People will go back to their lives and from your perspective appear as they have moved on while you are stuck. This might hurt a little more but you also will know/realize/wish for them to move on. This is something you would not wish on your greatest enemy much less friends and family. Realize that the people in your life will not grieve the same way you do. Grief is as unique to an individual as the relationship was with the person who died. Though you may not see physical portrayals of grief it does not mean they are not there. There may come a time or multiple times where you have to protect your own grieving heart by not engaging in conversations, social invites, browsing social media, watching certain movies, listening to that song etc. Again one of the hardest things when you find yourself here is getting comfortable with not being okay.

I would tell you that this isn’t something you move on from. You will never move on but moving forward will come in time. You will grieve until you see that child again. That is okay and don’t let anyone tell you any differently. If people ask how you are not here or there after x amount of time. Simply thank them for their time and keep moving. People don’t know something they can’t and hopefully will never fully understand. In order for someone to understand child loss they will have had to go through it themselves. Again this is not something we would wish or want for anyone. You will absolutely feel guilty for laughing, smiling, having little moments here and there where the grief has subsided or isn’t as intense. You will feel as though you should not feel this way. You may even feel like you are portraying an image to people that it isn’t that bad or hurt that much. This couldn’t be farther from the truth and fight that lie with all that is in you. Grief co-exists with so many other emotions including joy or contentment. Your child is not disappointed in you or angry with you, quite the opposite actually. You will see that child in so many others, places, things, feelings even though you can’t physically see them. if you look hard enough and long enough which will take some time, a lot of time. You will begin to see them again. Though you no longer hear their voice on this side you will have conversations with them everyday all day. I hope and pray more than anything you see them in your dreams. Those dreams will become so precious to you and chances are when it happens you won’t wanna wake. Because that is the only time you are reunited with them, that is okay too.

I think books could be written on all the emotions you will feel in child loss. They all seem to circulate with some sticking around more than others. A question you will ask yourself so often is ”is this normal? Is this normal to feel this way, think this way, act this way, etc” I don’t have a concrete answer for you other than nothing is really normal anymore for you. Your child dieing wasn’t normal and so I would say whatever you are feeling/thinking/doing probably isn’t to some but is the new ‘normal’ for you so to speak. The grief cycle is something you will hear quite a bit. Know that there is no cycle or steps you follow to ”get better”. You don’t go through x amount of emotions and you’re then on the other side of all of it. These emotions you feel will circle back again and again. This course/journey you are now on is a marathon not a sprint. Some days will be lighter than others as will some moments. You may be intensely grieving for days, weeks, months at a time. Some people will be okay with that and sit with you while others will leave or run the other direction. To be completely raw and honest with you for a time you may even be suicidal. You may not actively have a plan in place or make an attempt but thinking that if this happened or that happend you would be okay with it. I remember when I saw jake in that casket there was one thought immediately in my head. ”Bring another one because I am going with him or make it bigger so I can get in there with him.” I think you need to hear raw and honest right now because again you are wondering am I crazy or is this normal. This feeling won’t stay for the long term. It will come back from time to time on the really hard days or in the really intense sessions.

This is a letter that is to be continued, I feel as though I may have overwhelmed you with so much information. There is so much more to be said but these are the early days. Your attention span is short, you may not have the energy to sit and read something or do much of anything. What I have said here may even make you angry or made you feel even worse than you already do. Again though, I believe the best way forward is honesty. Acknowledging this is the worst thing that has happened to you or can happen to you. Life will not be the same and you will not ”move on” but everyday whether we like it or life keeps moving forward. Take this all from someone who is very much still in the early days of this journey. I had a moment of clarity where I was able to write this out. I have not in any way shape or form mastered the art of grieving our child. I very much will more than likely be a puddle on the floor right next to you. I have more to say but I think this is good enough for now. These are the things I would say to you, I hope you hear the sincerity in my voice. I hope you know you are not alone, I hope you know how much you are loved but also how much your child is loved still. Their life mattered and had a purpose.