Reflections From The Wreckage

The holidays and birthdays are hard that one was always going to be blatantly obvious. I think those days are hard particularly when you are around friends and family. There is a spotlight on you and who is missing at that time. The empty chair, the plate untouched, presents never purchased, candles still lit, the sound of their voice echoing through the halls and feet hitting the floor, favorite drinks unopened and snacks left alone. Everyone notices who isn’t there on those days and at those times. But really and truly it is everyday in between those days that feel impossible to get through. It’s the little things that seem to trip you up and leave you in a puddle on the floor. The things that keep you in bed sleeping or trying to get back to sleep to escape your new reality. The things that keep you quiet and hidden away from the world. The things that keep you angry and heartbroken all at the same time. Because why in a million years is this a new reality? How did this happen? Why did this happen? Who thought I was, we were capable of taking on something like this?

I miss leaving in the morning and seeing you at your spot at the table eating your favorite food(s). Pancake on a stick, sausage biscuits, leftovers from the night before (what was left of a happy meal), a sandwich, pizza, cheez-its, cheetos, cheese balls, a lunchable, cereal. Seeing you at your spot on the couch watching your ipad. The words ”Bye dad, Bye Addi have a good day at school Addi. Have fun at work dad.” I miss how you made promises you couldn’t keep. Like telling Addison, ”If you be good at school and don’t get in trouble I’ll get you a toy.” I miss hearing your voice over the intercom from your room, what I wouldn’t give to get woken up by you in the middle of the night or early in the morning. I miss talking to you about your hair or lack thereof and how proud of your ”fuzz” you were. I miss cheering you on as you took steps and worked out. Remembering you and all the things you used to do seem to take me back to the days after you got sick. The days before don’t come back as quickly or as often.

I go back a little further and I can see you at different ages and stages. I see that little angry baby who screamed and or cried most of the day if not all day. I see those soul piercing blue eyes and that head full of blonde hair. I see you in the playroom covered in makeup with your best girls Addi and Hannah. I see you outside when it was 100+ or 30 below in your underwear or diaper. It made no difference which side of the weather the temperature fell on that day. I go forward a little bit and I see you go from walking to running. That was the start of it. You were always a runner, why walk when you can hop, skip or run there right Jake? I see you take a toy I just spent too much money on and smash it up against a tree because ”thats what it dos” I see you having tea parties with your sister and playing at the park. I keep going a little further and I see you sitting at the table eating your favorite food (chic til a) jamming out to modified versions of older songs. I see you running back and forth on your pawpaws porch doing anything and everything to make sure someone saw you. I see you taking your tools to ”work” both on your own stuff and your pawpaws. I keep going and I can see how excited you were when you got a ”new” gun.

I see the smile and excitement on your face when you learned how to ride a bike without training wheels. (Im thankful I was there that day) I see us playing ball in the street, didn’t matter what ball football, basketball, soccer..You just wanted to play and you were happy as long as we were. I hear you laughing as you and Addison tried to get the ball away from me or tackle me. Oh I miss that laugh. I see you taking a break and sitting down with your soda and ”snack” it was always just a snack. I see you in your room dancing like no one was watching and making movies with your sister. I see you watching tv halfway under your bed or hanging off the couch. I see how nervous and scared your mimi was when she told you and addi she would get y’all toys but came back with a sweet treat instead. I remember reassuring her ”Jake isn’t the one you have to worry about, it’s your girl over there who might be disappointed.” I wasn’t wrong about you, I see your face light up and a smile from ear to ear as your eyes got bigger and bigger looking at the treat you were about to devour. ”THANKS MIMI, THIS IS AWESOME!” Grateful, so very grateful is who you were and are. I could brag all day about how grateful you were.

I keep going a little further and I can see you at your jujitsu practice. How excited you got when it was the day you got to wear your ”Gi”. I kept thinking if there was any sport out there made for Jacob it was football or JuJitsu. You were the first kid in line and one of the few actually paying attention. I see you sitting on the bench with me waiting for the practice to start and clearly seeing nervousness all over your face. Asking you, are you alright? Are you nervous dude? Even if you were, you would never tell me. You would just shake your head no and run out there as soon as it was time. I see you chasing ducks and turtles at the pond. The turtle whisperer is what we called you because they always came to you or let you hold them. I hear you telling me about how saved a turtle that was in the road. Did it bite you? ”Yeah for sure it did”. I see, well are you alright, did it hurt? ”Yeah it hurt the heck outta me! Im alright though, its fine.” I keep going a little further and I see us in the living room. ”Dad, do you mind if I train?” Umm..no? Train for what Jake? ”Train to fight!!!!” Pillows and couch cushions being kicked, punched and thrown all over the room.

I see you helping me cut the grass by pushing the mower with me behind you. I see us riding around on that forklift at the plant that you thought was so cool. You were so stoked when they told me we could go for a ride. I remember telling you I was leaving that job to take another one. When I told you what I was going to be doing you said, ”WHY WOULD YOU WANNA GO SIT IN A BORING OFFICE, THATS BORING!” I hated that job at the plant but thinking about how cool you thought it was got me through. Thinking to myself, ”Im filthy, driving this forklift around all day, sometimes soaked sometimes splashed with chemicals this sucks. And yet Jake would absolutely kill to be here. He would love this, so I”ll keep going.” I keep going and I am on the phone with your mom. She tells me you did something today and you want to talk to me about it. Hey man, what are you doing? ”Nothing just playing with my toys.” Oh, nice. What did you do? ”I poured soap in your boots.” Nice, that sounds like fun. ”Yeah I guess, well..see ya later dad!” Didn’t get the reaction you thought you would so it wasn’t worth your time anymore.

I keep going a little further and I see you in the hospital in lubbock. Your other favorite girl Hannah came to visit. We had no idea what we were in for, what was to come, what would be a lot of last times. It was time for them to go later that day, everyone was a wreck. You and your girls Addi and Hannah were playing tag right outside the entrance to the wing you would be staying in. You were running and laughing just being kids. It was time for them to leave, tears were everywhere by everyone. You walk over to Hannahs side and hug her so tight. A famous jakey hug, what would be one of the last times you would walk on your own to do that. I miss those hugs, we all miss those hugs. I keep going a little further but I beg to stay in those time loops. Time traveling, hoping to get stuck in the past when you were here.

I don’t get to though, time doesn’t work that way. Yet I find myself time traveling to those moments in time day in and day out. Physically I find myself here in the present where you are not. Mentally, Emotionally and Psychologically I find myself in the past, present and future all at the same time. A present much like the picture above, staring looking at the wreckage left from what has happened. A future that seems unrecognizable and one that if Im honest I can’t see much good in. Even then I will be time traveling and getting caught up in the ”little things”. That is where you will find me and where I will find you. That is where I must find you and be with you for now, Time traveling and getting caught in the little things.