Reflections From The Wreckage

I really don’t know where to begin with this post or what direction I want to go in so I will just keep writing and see where it goes. I have gone through a lot of different emotions simultaneously since Jake left us. Most of them seem to flucuate rapidly in a 24 hour period. Is this normal? Is it normal to feel such strong seemingly unwavering and unweilding emotions? I get different responses from different people. One of the things I was told early on is God will see you through this. God will carry you and is near to the brokenhearted. What if I were to tell you I don’t wanna make it through this? I don’t wanna go another second much less another day without that little boy named Jake. What If I told you I am angry with God for allowing this to happen. I don’t and never have blamed him for what happened to Jacob or the trauma or PTSD or nightmares or fear, anxiety etc that we now carry. I never believed more in the healing power of God as I did after jacob died. I believed everyday for weeks following his death that Jake was just gonna show up one day. In the weirdest way as well. Like a knock at the door and there he was, a phone call from somewhere telling us to come get him because he was asking for us, him randomly appearing in our living room. Sounds absolutely looney and yet it seemed like a very real possibility because if anyone could make this happen God could. He let it go far enough now it was time for him to undo it. He didn’t.

I’ve heard how patient God is and it has never been more true since Jake went to live with him. I have cried until I didn’t think there were any tears left. I have begged and pleaded with God to stop my heart from beating because this pain was more than I could bear. I have begged and pleaded for him to send Jake back, He didn’t and he hasn’t. He won’t, the decision has been made that he is keeping him. A decision I violently protest against yet that door remains shut. So yes I believe he is patient because no matter how angry, depressed, hopeless, anxious, fearful or sad I get Jake remains with him. I remain here. My relationship with God has always been rocky but the place its in now doesn’t even touch that time period in my life. It feels as though there is this great chasm between us which is the cancer, the suffering and death of Jacob. The pain and the suffering we now endure that Jacob is no longer physically here with us. I don’t know how to mitigate that or where to go from here. I just know I am angry. Im angry this is our life, angry this happened to him and angry that he left so soon in life. Im just angry.

I never get used to sitting down at the kitchen table and seeing an empty seat that he should be in. I never get used to passing a room that once was alive because he made it so never to be made that way again by him. I never get used to leaving the house thinking to myself someone is missing or something is missing. Coming to the brutal realization this is real and it is the four of us now. There is a heavyness that surrounds you and hangs over you when your child dies. Tears are always just seconds away, lurking behind every corner. What I would give to be able to talk to him or give him a hug. I wish there were report cards or newsletters from heaven you know? Like something I could see that would show me how he is doing. What he has been up to, what he looks like now, what his day looks like, how has he changed or how has he not changed. I long for that news or update like I anxiously waited in hospital rooms for test results or waited by the phone for that text message or phone call telling me how he was doing that day. Another day passes and no news like that. Another brutal reality of what has taken place here.

I look at pictures of him and of us everyday. The same thought runs through my head, ”This is bullcrap. He should be here. I can’t believe this happened.” I never get used to seeing his picture, his name and the words ”In Loving Memory” that follow it. I haven’t spoken or heard his voice in over 7 months yet I hear it so clearly everyday in my head like he never left. People tell me that the time it takes me to rebound from falling apart will get quicker as time goes on. You won’t ever get over it but you will learn to carry or manage it better. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to hear that, I don’t want to learn how to continue on without you. Yet it was a choice that I had no say in. While I do know that Jake is in heaven. I know he is healed. I know he is happy and free. There is real pain there for the parents left behind. It is very raw and scary at times when it comes out. I feel robbed of so much and yet the world was robbed at the same time. Jake was a beautiful soul who gave so much to so many people. The phrase ”life isn’t fair” has taken on a whole new meaning.

”And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now.”