Reflections From The Wreckage

It’s been a while since I have posted anything or written anything. I have found lately that I am having trouble putting thoughts to paper. It has been a little over 7 months since Jake left us. Even after 7 months it still doen’t seem real. My brain knows that this is real and he isn’t coming back this time around. My heart on the other hand simply refuses to accept it. I think that is just the way it will be for a while. How long that ”while” will be is unknown. I just know that I would give anything and everything to have him back. I miss him more than words could ever express. I miss everything about him. I can still hear his voice in my head at different moments of the day. Something will happen and I will think really hard about what Jake would have said or done. That voice is so recognizable no matter how much time has past or how many other voices you have heard. The same goes for that smile where his eyes disappear or one that showcases those amazing green eyes.

While this blog is mainly a therapeutic space for me, for dads who find themselves apart of the worst club known to man. This post isn’t so much about me this time around. This post is about Jakes mom. This image presented at the top of this post is as close as I can get to what I saw on July 30th 2023 at 11:19 am. A scream and deep soul breaking cry that I had never heard before. One that I would never want to see again from anyone, especially not from you. There are many things that are so incredibly difficult about this ”new reality” we find ourselves in babe. I have a hard time articulating each and every one of them. Watching you grieve and seeing the toll this has taken on you is at the very top of the list.

I have said many times over I wish I could take this pain from you. I wish I could somehow make things better for you. I wish I could bring him back and make this go away. I wish that dreams were a reality. I wish we were a family of 5 again instead of a family of 4. Jacob was your mini me, is your mini me. The love that he has for you is unmatched and will never be re-created until he sees you again. The way that he could make you laugh and smile is also unmatched, unrivaled. The love that he had and has for you is so fierce. You have been so strong for me, for our family over the years. Couples are not always at their full strength. At times one might be at 80 and the other at 20. It is the job an duty of one to pick up when the other simply cannot find the strength. I have said it before and will continue to say it until I take my last breath. The courage you displayed, the strength you pulled out in the past year for us, for you, for our boy I will never not be appreciative of.

I have always been the weaker one between the two of us. The more emotional one, the one that breaks when it isn’t convienent. I have always admired your fortitude and courage. I have even been envious at times at how strong you can be. I was listening to a podcast the other day from a father who recently lost a child. He was describing the incident, emotions felt and his wife. Something he said took me back to those moments in the ER in Georgia. It surpises me how fast triggers happen now and how frequently they occur. Rachel I want you to hear me when I say this and know that I mean it with all my heart. I don’t resent you and could never hate you or blame you for what happened to Jacob in Georgia. You did EVERYTHING you could possibly do for our boy. He knew that, I knew that, we all know that. Jacob fought like hell for you, if there had been any strength left in his body he would have kept fighting.

You are the bravest, fiercest momma I have ever known. Throwing yourself in a world that was unknown and unfamiliar to all of us. Learning all the medical lingo, learning all about the disease jake had. Advocating for the very best care you could have found for that little boy. Holding his hand from start to finish reminding him of who he was and what he was capable of. Having a front row seat to some of the best days and an even closer seat on the very worst days. I am so so sorry this happened to you, to me, and to us. It’s been a while since I have cried like this but I cannot help it when I think of you and all you have done, all you have been through. Thinking back and hearing that cry that I never wanted to hear. I love you, I will always love you as will jacob.

I miss our boy more than words could ever express. If you are a mom who can resonate with the image above, you have my deepest and most heartfelt sympathy. Watching a casket close on your very heart itself, is a pain for which there is no words.

”Well, I can’t wait to see your smile again,
The one when your eyes disappear along with all my troubles
And I can’t wait to hear you sing a song
Maybe Jesus loves me or a song you learned up there

But I, oh I’ll just have to wait
‘Cause I know that day is coming
So I, oh I’ll just have to wait

I can’t wait to hear your mama laugh
The way that only you can make her laugh when you get silly
And I can’t wait to see you in her arms
I know the wound so deep inside her heart is healed for good.”