Reflections From The Wreckage

God I have heard it said that a relationship with you becomes real in one of two ways. The first way is when something tragic happens in your life. The second way is when you do or say something that offends me. I find myself present in both of those places. I watched a movie recently about a little girl and her struggles with family, religion, growing up etc. While I resonated with a lot of the stuff that happened in the movie. What stood out to me is how openly and honestly she talked to you. Right, wrong or indifferent She didn’t hold back no matter what was going on or how strong the emotions she was feeling were. I think for me it is important to let you know how I feel. Though I realize the outcome will not change. That among so many other parts of this is a hard pill for me to swallow.

I never wanted to see this side of you. I never wanted to walk through the valley of the shadow of death literally to know you as a shepherd. I never wanted to be in the fetal position with my eyes swollen from crying so much and so hard. To feel such pressure in my head and a stomach in knots from the rest of my body going into absolute panic and shock. All of this I would come to know as grief. You gave me a heart that can be absolutely broken in more ways than one but keep beating. Eyes that produce more tears than I ever thought a human could release. I never wanted to experience that to learn about Jesus the comforter or Jesus the man of sorrows. I never thought you would allow this to happen. I knew things were bad and what the potential outcome might be but I never thought you would let us get there.

That little boy had the world at his fingertips, his whole life ahead of him. How could you let this happen to him, to us. He was the most beautiful blonde haired green eyed boy I have ever seen in my short time on this planet. He fought so hard for so long and believed with all his heart you would heal him. He believed that you would fix this and he would walk again. I prayed for him so many times believing before I could see or trying to. Because that’s what faith is right? ”The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” It would have been a much better story if you had miraculously healed him on this side. More people prayed for him than could ever be counted by us. Some I am sure that never prayed before in their life. I’ll never understand why the answer was no. Why you took him home so young and so early, even if there was an answer given. I don’t believe my human mind or heart could contain it or understand it. I would still walk away with the same question, Why couldn’t he stay.

You believe more in me then I do to have decided what the outcome for Jacob would be here on earth. I don’t believe I will get through this, over this, move forward in this. I ask the same questions of why him or why us. Yet I would not want this burden to be given to someone else. Although it has, while it is a somewhat exclusive club no one wants to be in. There are so many broken and bereaved parents in the world. So many within a semi close proximity to us. I feel like Jacobs death happens all over again when I hear or learn of someone else who lost their son or daughter. People tell me that you will meet me in the darkest of spaces. They tell me that if you allowed it you will help me through it. This is the darkest place I have ever been in. The majority of the time I feel like I have inhabited the wheel chair that Jake left behind. Unable to walk sometimes unwilling because it is simply too painful and feels like im getting further away from Jake.

I know that you can do miracles and I know that healings take place. I know that you can do whatever you want to do when you want to do it. I don’t believe you caused this but you allowed it. I kept believing that you would give him back. I remember holding his urn and thinking this means nothing. You can fix this, I know you can. I believe that you will, surely you wont allow this to stay the way it is. I believed for weeks after the funeral after seeing his body for the last time that you would fix this. I would sit waiting on the couch day after day for that doorbell ring or knock on the door. Expecting and believing Jake was coming back. Time kept going and that day never came. Reality set in that you were in fact going to let this happen. You made up your mind and decided to keep him with you. To say that my heart and soul was and is crushed would be an understatement. How am I supposed to trust you in this? How am I supposed to keep going and keep the faith?

A battle among many that rages deep inside is the notion that we are being punished. This happened to him and to us as a punishment. I don’t believe that to be the case but the mind wanders as I try to make sense of how and why this happened. I have tried to look at this from all kinds of different perspectives and viewpoints. Trying to make sense of something so horrible so evil so unimaginable. There just are no words, there is no making sense of the senseless. I was never ready to give him back to you so soon. Not this early, not now. I know you’re not mean but today it feels like it. Right now in my heart and in my soul it feels very much like it.

”The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can’t stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out

I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on
I’m barely holdin’ on to you.”