Reflections From The Wreckage

Its been a little over 6 months since we said goodbye and the majority of the time I am still in shock. I find myself in an endless loop of emotions that circulate or rotate like a wheel day in and day out. I didn’t know that you could cycle through so many different emotions in a 24 hour period. I do and can smile though it isn’t like it was. I do and can laugh though it isn’t as deep as it used to be. Smiling and laughing for me is as fleeting as a shooting star in the sky. It comes and goes just as quickly as it arrived. I find in regards to emotions that it is similar to depression. You are constantly chasing little hits of dopamine or serotonin. On a desparate and often times frantic search for ways in which you can find them. It looks different for each person and might seem crazy to others in the methods used. It’s all part of trying to survive I think. Moreso possibly your brain trying to protect what is left or spare you a moment of such indescribable pain.

”I can’t believe this happened. I can’t believe this is our life now and I can’t believe he is gone. How has it been all this time and he hasn’t been here? How has life kept going without jake?” I find myself wondering only a little over 6 months in who you would be today. What you would be like, what would life look like for you right now. What would you have asked for at Christmas, What would we have done together on your birthday. What would you think of your little brother now? He is still so young and so little but not so little. He takes pieces of your wit, charm and your personality everywhere he goes. He reminds me so much of you and yet he is not you. He has his own personality and his own soul. You have yours.

There is no instruction manual for kids when you take them home from the hospital as babies. Just as there is no instruction manual on how you are or are not to grieve your kids when they leave the planet. I remember thinking when jake got sick, ”I don’t know how to do this, I don’t know how we are going to do this.” I subscribe very much to the same way of thinking now that he has left us. I don’t know how we are going to do this, I don’t know how we are going to wait this long.” Especially if it has only been 6 months and I am already wondering who jake would be today. I have read a few books, joined several support groups, read the bible, attempted to pray, spoke to friends and family about grief, screamed, cried, got angry, went silent, isolated, went numb and repeated it all again and again. I still haven’t figured out the best course of action on how to deal with this.

So yes time has gone on and we are a little further removed from that horrible day in our history. The word ”still” comes to mind as a descriptor for life at the moment. Still grieiving, still wondering, still asking questions, still angry, still searching and yet against my own desires still going. Barely going but still going. More like being carried the majority of the time because crawling or attempting to walk is too painful. What I would tell to the world on counseling someone or sitting with someone who has lost a child is simply this. ”If you woke up today and got out of bed good job. If you put your shoes on, went to work or did something productive that is amazing. If you were able to be present for a conversation or visit with a friend I am proud of you. If you were able to be present with your other children, you are doing great. Losing a child is like walking through hell with chards of glass in every part of your feet.”