Reflections From The Wreckage

”Stars by Skillet”

”If You can hold the stars in place
You can hold my heart the same
Whenever I fall away
Whenever I start to break
So here I am, lifting up my heart

If You can calm the raging sea
You can calm the storm in me
You’re never too far away
You never show up too late
So here I am, lifting up my heart
To the one who holds the stars.”

I have had a lot conversations the past week and been around a lot of conversations surrounding the current reality we find ourselves in. Reality, that word just doesn’t sit right when I think about what has transpired over the last 7 months. That ”reality” becomes more real everyday that passes and it is indescribably painful with every tick of the clock that goes by. There has been a lot of advice that has been thrown out. A lot of bible verses and passages. A lot of stories from others who are currently walking through this nightmare. It is a nightmare and it isn’t something you can speed your way through. A loss of this magnitude and that is so devastating is obviously tought for those going through it. It is equally tough for those who have to sit and watch someone go through it. Whether that be friends and or family. Try as you may there just aren’t words or actions that can be done to take away a pain so great.

When I started this blog I knew that it would only work if I was as honest and as transparent as possible. I started it because I needed to get out some of these very painful emotions. We joined a lot of clubs we never wanted to join this past year. The childhood cancer club and the bereaved parents club. I realize not everyone reading this can relate to either of those. Thank God most of you cannot because I wouldnt wish this on anyone. Which a question that is constantly in rotation is ”Why Him?” When I think about that question I also think I wouldnt want to give it to anyone else. In regards to that question early on with Jacob he contemplated that same question. He knew he was sick and would have to go through a lot. He didnt fully understand what was going to happen exactly at the time but he knew it happened to him. He knew he had to go through it. His response was ”Well, Im glad Addi doesnt have to do this. She hates the doctor.” We HATED going through that with Jake but we also said that if it had to happen to one of our kids. We knew that he would go through it and handle it better than the other ones.

Addison hates doctor visits. Everything about them and hates that they have to do certain things to make sure everything ok. It truly can be a nightmare taking her to the doctor at times. She has gotten better about it but at the time of the diagnosis you would have been better putting her to sleep if you had to take her to a doctor. Going through cancer treatment with Lincoln would have been awful as well. Lincoln is much younger, shorter attention span, more prone to fits, more independent etc. Jake had a lot of bad days probably more bad days then good days looking back. Not long after starting treatment he began to despise doctors, nurses, hospitals etc. He had a limit when it came to hospitals. He knew after a certain amount of days he could leave. If for some reason he had to stay longer then that was a big problem for him. It was as if you awoke a dragon that was massive in size and very very angry. As angry and confused and disappointed as he was Jacob went through it.

A little over 5 months in to having to say goodbye to Jacob I seem to revisit a lot of the same emotions. I revisit a lot of the same questions, I see a lot of different images of Jacob. I see him happy and healthy and whole, I also see him during his battle with the invisible beast. My mind goes to happy memories and not so happy memories. If I am honest even some of the ”happier” memories are some of the most painful at certain times. Some of the best advice I have been given or encouragement during this time. It was simpy this, ”If all you did was breathe today and survive then thats enough. Give yourself grace and kindness during this time.” What do you do when the sacred is stripped away from you, how do you handle that. Well you keep waking up even though you dont want to. There are stories out there of all kinds of terrible circumstances that have happened to people that God has taken and traansformed into something beautiful. What I can right now 5 months in is that we are being sustained and held by God. There is no other explanation as to why either one of us is still functioning. We are being sustained and held.

The second piece of advice I have gotten a lot lately that I cling to is ”Keep writing, keep pouring your heart out to God. All of it, the good the bad and the ugly. He can take it, he is big enough to handle it. Whatever you do don’t stop talking to him.” The lyrics from the song above is a song that has touched and gripped me from the time Jake got sick until he went to his forever home. Times when I cant see or think straight because tears are falling like buckets and pain is so thick. ”If you can hold the stars in place, you can hold my heart the same. So here I am lifting up my heart to the one who holds the stars.” Sometimes I am able to do this and sometimes there are little to no words that come out. I think when we go through stuff we think ”I have to be careful what I say, I can’t say this or that. I shouldn’t ask this question or that question. I should be like this person or that person, I should handle it this way or that way.” I haven’t found that to be the case with talking to God about these intense and painful emotions.

If God is all powerful and all knowing then he already knows what you’re feeling and what is in your heart before or if you never tell him. He knows what is in there, so why would you not just come clean and tell him? If there was anything that could be said about me so far into this new reality we find ourselves in. It would be that I have I have not been plastic or fake at any point. I have not hid all my tears from my other kids. I have broken down and still do at times. There is cracks in the armor that I wear and I do take the mask off at times when I share with people what it has been like for us. I have told God exactly how I am feeling at that current moment. I have questioned ”Is this normal? Am I crazy for feeling this way? Is God disappointed or shocked at the way I have and am handling this? Is it wrong to feel this way or that way? Is our grief being rushed and put on a timeline?” Bottom line is It is Ok to Not be Ok.

Thank you for reading this and following along thus far. Thank you for allowing me to share my heart here even though you hear the same topic being discussed. Thank you for allowing me be vulnerable and share the broken parts of me. Thank you for listening to the same stories about Jake that I tell and looking at the same pictures you have seen a 1000 times. Stories, pictures and videos are all that I have. They are all that we have left of him and we are just thankful for the ones that allow us to share it.