Reflections From The Wreckage

Its been 165 days or 23 weeks & 4 days or 5 months and 12 days since you left us and entered your forever home. Time stopped that day at 11:19 am and yet time kept going. There hasnt been a moment that has gone by that I havent thought about you. A memory hasnt crossed my mind or a picture hasnt flashed before my eyes. They take me back to a time when you were here and I could talk to you, touch you, listen to you just be near you. These memories are both sharp and comforting. They bring a smile but are quickly followed by tears. Things have changed a lot around here since you left and some things remain the same.

We have your room exactly how you left it. We try to keep everything in its proper place but your little brother has other ideas. The last set of sheets that held you and kept you warm are still there. We had hoped your smell would linger there if we left it but I think its gone at this point. We wanted to get rid of your lizard because its another thing that is painful at times and reminds us of you. Your unique personality and unique choice of pets. I remember sitting on the porch with you at your pawpaws lake house. The dogs were running wild in front of us. I told you how much I disliked dogs and how crazy they were being. Im not really a dog person or animal person how about you Jake? You said, ”Heck No Im a Lizard Man!” Walking into a room where everything remains untouched as much as possible. Yet the person who gave that place meaning and life and purpose is no longer there. I get a little upset when its messy even though I know youre not coming back to it.

I said early on during your hopsital stays on one of our visits that I felt like you gave your little brother your mantle. You gave him all the energy and strength and shenanigans that you used to have and pull when you were healthy at full strength. I am convinced everyday you did. Lincoln is 100% your little brother. He likes so many of your favorite things and plays with all of your old toys over and over. He eats all the foods you loved and wants to eat ALL the time. Just tonight when I came home he was covered in shaving cream on the counter with toys and coloring sheets everywhere. Nothing but a smile on his face and a little laugh. Remind you of anyone Jacob David? Gosh its so hard buddy. Sometimes when he brings me a toy or asks me something I have to force myself to remember hes not you. But Im trying, I do try and play with him when he asks me to. Last night giving him a bath I washed his hair. You were a screaming lunatic when I used to try and wash your hair. Yet when it was over you were totally fine and acted like nothing happened. Lincoln asks about you sometimes and the words ”Jakey is in heaven take our breath” are kinda hard to say. We tell him though and sometimes show him pictures of you. I like to daydream about what yall would be doing if you were here.

Your big sister Addison, she is still very much Addison and yet there are parts of her missing. Much like you gave Lincoln your mantle as far as strength and wildness I do believe you gave Addi courage. She has been SO Brave Jake. Sometimes I think she carries all of us with her bravery. She painted your nails the color you liked when everyone came to see you. I couldnt believe it but she wanted to because that was a special connection you shared. She is doing really well in school, A honor roll since she has started 2nd grade. When we leave for school in the morning I picture you sitting in your spot at our table. I remember you telling her ”Addi be good at school if youre good at school you can get a toy after youre done.” As if you were going to buy her something silly little man. Making big promises like that, but oh what I would give to see you and hear you one more time. Addison stays busy at home by being gone or playing with friends. I think thats how she deals with your absence but it works for her so thats what matters right? She changed her wallpaper on her ipad to a picture of you from halloween in 2022. You were dressed as a ninja that year. Everytime I find the ninja mask to that costume my mind goes to that time and place.

Speaking of courage I believe you got that from your mom. She gave it to you to fight like you did and when you left you gave it back to her. She has been so brave jake. She went back to work at your old school which takes so much bravery being around familiar places and kids that knew you. She has helped so many other cancer moms and kids. She still talks to your favorite nurses and they think/talk about you often. You made such an impact on all of them they couldnt forget you if you tried. Your mom feeds your lizard and takes care of it for you. It has jumped out at her a few times and the other day even let her pet it. To this day I dont know what prompted me to let you get that lizard. I think I just knew it would make you happy and if I could do that for you I would. Mom misses you more than anyone could ever know and still says you are the most beautiful green eyed boy she ever saw. Your eyes are her favorite feature of yours. Your hugs are unmatched even to this day, no one can give hugs like you could. Mom is the strongest person I know and she holds even me up some days. She created a memorial shelf for you thats where we put everything that reminds us of you. So many frogs and turtles dude, so many. Pictures from our last family picture day with you, You smiled so big even though I know you were hurting and uncomfortable. I love those pictures, especially the ones of you and mom or you and addi.

I dont want to forget you, anything about you. I dont want to forget your laugh or your smile. I dont want to forget the conversations we had together. Some of them get me through the next hour when I dont think I will. I missed your voice and I knew it would hurt but I watched the video anyways. You were sitting on the couch the day before the 4th of July talking about getting fireworks. You were SO excited because why wouldnt fireworks be exciting to a 5 year old litle boy who always was a little dangerous named Jake. That was a good night with you. Hannah and came over with Julie, Wuela and the girls. Hannah talks about you every day and misses you big bud. She is really brave too you would be so proud of her. She started a brand new school and seems to be liking it. I think we will always keep an eye on Hannah because that was your best friend. We tell her and have told her how much she meant to you. We gave her a blanket of yours and a warmie. I can still see you in your bed watching your ipad with the warmie on your head.

I know very little about heaven Jake. I have read about it in the bible and heard people talk about it but there is so much I dont know. I knew that heaven was a beautiful place but when you arrived it became so much more. I hope they know how special and precious it is to have you. I hope you are silly again and smiling so big. That smile where your eyes disappear and all we can see is your smile. I hope you have so many friends there because you were always so friendly. I hope you get to spend time climbing trees and being with your favorite animals. I hope you give Jesus and everyone there all the famous jakey hugs.

If I knew before you were born 5 years was all you had I would still take that deal. Having you as my son and being ”Jakes dad” is the highest honor anyone could have ever given me. I am so so proud of you Jake. You fought so hard and did so good. Giving you back to Jesus was and will always be the hardest thing I ever had to do. I know he is taking more than good care of you. I know you two have had some interesting conversations to say the least. I know youre happy and healed. That brings us a little comfort down here. I talk to God about you every morning. ”Please tell Jake I said Hi. Tell him how proud of him I am, how much I miss him and love him. I know there are so many people there but if you could give him a hug for me please.” I love you Jake and I am counting on seeing you soon. Save a spot for us, we have so much to talk about.