Reflections From The Wreckage

Everything looks the same to those around you. The world hasn’t changed much, life itself seems like it has resumed normalcies. But to the ones who lost something so sacred the world has inevitably changed forever. It feels like you have been transported to an alternate universe. A post apocalyptic world by looking at appearances. This new world is almost unrecognizable and somedays seemingly unlivable. Simply trying to breathe in the air most days seems absolutely toxic to your lungs. The places you used to frequent that would bring comfort no longer have that affect for you. People who you had traveled through life with may no longer be there. People who you did not expect to be there on this new journey suddenly appear and link arms with you.

In this strange new world we find ourselves the world ”Post Jake” its all about survival. Survival in whatever way you deem necessary at whatever the cost. Some days surviving looks like limiting your exposure to pictures and videos of him. While these images bring back memories of better days they also bring in enormous amounts of pain that would have you in the fetal position in the corner. Surviving looks like finding ways to occupy yourself such as shopping in person or online. Spending time with friends and or family, serving others in need, watching that movie you wanted to see or one you’ve seen a thousand times. Binge watching a tv series, focusing all your attention on the ones left in the aftermath. It might look like hiding yourself away from the world. Doom scrolling your phone and blocking everyone out. For me it might mean calling into work and the reason being sickness. Calling out of work for an illness is much easier and strangely more acceptable than saying ”I am grieving the loss of my son.”

It takes some time to come to this place of simply having the desire to ”survive.” In the beginning days following Jakes death I would have welcomed anything but survival. I was sick to my stomach at the mere idea that I could be months into this nightmare without him. What would the days look like, who would be there, what kind of person would I be? So many other questions that I still don’t have the answers for. Some days the urge to survive isn’t always there. Some days it’s ”How can I make it through to the next hour, to the end of the day?” The term ”surviving” looks different on a day to day basis.

It’s still so hard to believe that this is our life now. It’s so hard to believe that this has really happened. My head knows this is our reality now that Jake is gone and he’s not coming back this time around. My heart refuses to believe it though. There is still a part of me that believes he will come back soon. That we won’t have to ”survive” until we take our last breath and are finally reunited with him. We will have so much to talk about when that moment finally comes. So much has happened since we had to say goodbye to you our beautiful little green eyed boy. So many tears and screams have been let out both internally and externally since July 30th 2023 at 11:19 am. We talk about you all the time and miss you more than words could ever express. The thought of another year being ushered in and you still not being apart of it makes the stomach turn. Yet we will learn how to survive because the choice to do so was made for us.